So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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