i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
