Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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