hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i out mim tonsoeep
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