see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
