somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
