That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
