we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
