I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
