my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
