one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
