I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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