i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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