This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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