Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
