im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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