So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
