Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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