I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
