i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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