Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You ruined the universe
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
