If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
