I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have fence marks all over my body
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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