We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I look better un-naked...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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