literally had 100 drinks last night.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
