i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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