My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
