Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
