very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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