my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
