you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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