Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
