i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
