We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
