she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
