is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
