I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
