you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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