Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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