there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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