I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
