Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
