I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
