What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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