I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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