help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
