I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I didn't notice because vodka
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
