I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
