Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
