while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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